Nag, nag, nag! In the world of communication this is a form that is used quite often yet is so ineffective. We nag our kids, our spouse, our co-workers, and our aging parents, with little to no effect. Knowing that to repeatedly do the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity, why do we do it? It literally drives us all crazy, both the nagger and the nagged!
There are those who nag because important things or issues are not being attended to by another person; they feel an urgency to prod them along. For instance, a family member that is ignoring a dangerous health problem, and there is genuine concern.
There are others who are in the habit of nagging because they’re projecting lax or lazy behavior onto the other person even though they themselves are not accomplishing much, which borders on harassment. Such as a wife that’s pointing at the garage that begs to be attended to, yet she’s ignoring unfinished chores and projects while she watches the afternoon stories on TV.
The real problem is in the delivery of the matter at hand. Nagging often turns into a diatribe of everything that a person has not done, or not done right since, forever. Unfocused, exaggerated, contentious pointing of the finger results in rebuttal, excuses, and defensiveness; nothing good comes from it. So, what’s a nagger to do? How does the nagged and harassed counter the barrage? I say the answer is in a well-crafted sandwich; two soft slices of bread with the protein packed sustenance in the middle.
I’m talking about something I’ve dubbed “The Sandwich Statement”; an effective, concise communication
delivered and packaged in a way that is easily digested, so to speak, and leaves the hearer empowered and hopefully inspired to make changes or comply to a request. This is not a double decker, stacked sammich. One issue specifically targeted, presented with a proposed solution for the hearer to consider. An example of this would be, “I’ve enjoyed spending time with you, and I hope you will be feeling better. I’m concerned about the pain and fatigue you’re experiencing. If you would like me to make an appointment and go with you to see the Doctor, I can do that. I’m looking forward to you getting back to normal so we can take that trip we’ve talked about. Can we look at the calendar together to see what works?”.
By purposefully crafting the conversation to be an invite rather than a mandate or complaint, the walls of defense come down and our words are less likely to fall on deaf ears. Even if the person does not immediately comply or agree to what’s been proposed, the seed has been planted and a better bond developed for future interactions. The person feels respected, cared for, and possibly motivated by the suggestion, thereby more likely to trust your sincerity overall.
How To Craft A Sandwich Statement
1. The first slice of bread- This is the base layer, soft and palatable. Start with affirmation of the individual and validating them as a person or in their position. This needs to be sincere though; people can spot flattery and may think you’re just trying to butter them up for something.
a. “I know you’ve been slammed at work/school and barely have time to breathe. I’ve been trying to let you have your space and pick up slack for you where I can…”
2. The meat in the middle- This is where the crux of the matter gets chewy and could be hard to swallow. Remember to focus on one thing only. Keep it short and offer a solution or suggest options that are viable, reasonable, and attainable.
a. “The application for the loan you’re hoping to get is due tomorrow and I don’t have the information to do it for you. Can we take a few minutes so you can fill in the details and documentation needed? It won’t take long, and then we can relax, knowing it’s taken care of…”
3. The top slice of bread- Once you’ve presented the topic that has been a sticking point and suggested some solutions, now you can top it with that second soft, comforting statement that offers a sincere expectation of accomplishment and satisfaction on the other side of the issue.
a. “I know you’re looking forward to getting that money so you can pay your tuition and start school in the fall with your friends. We’re so proud of you.”
Better communication and the absence of nagging may not happen overnight, but bad habits can be broken, and new methods can be established that can be duplicated throughout your circle of influence. Not only can you practice it, but teach it to friends, family, and co-workers. You’ll need to craft each statement for each person and each issue that arises. I have been employing this tactic for years and it works the same way in each instance, however, no promises that the recipient will automatically comply, but a good sandwich goes a long way in satisfying the gremlins of nagging.
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