In a recent panel interview I was a guest on; the host of the show asked me to tell the audience “Who you are”. Who am I? Fortunately, I now know exactly who I am, why I am here, and where I’m headed, so I was confident in my self-description. There was a time when I did not have an answer for that, because I was feeling lost; crushed under the weight of fear, anxiety, self-loathing, and shame over events of my past, having been a victim of assault.
From the outside looking in I was fine. Friends would comment on how I always “had it all together”, but I knew the truth. I was coming apart at the seams, not knowing if I could keep up the façade that was draining me and making me question if I was still sane.
There are many factors and life events that can impact our psyches; a loss of a job or loved one, a painful or toxic relationship, being uprooted, a failure or lost opportunity. These can weigh heavy on us and leave us feeling sad, depressed, betrayed, and numb. Untreated, feelings such as these can lead to a plethora of unhealthy habits, emotional problems and clinical depression creating costly losses and expenses.
Truth is, we can be our own worst enemy and not even be aware that we are beating ourselves up or carrying shame and regret. On the other hand, we might feel like we are doing all we can to get out of the pit without success, leaving us despairing, disheartened, and exasperated.
Whether it’s our upbringing, a learned behavior, or something cultural, we can be predisposed to feeling insecure, inferior, or unworthy. Following are 5 keys to finding purpose and bringing out the best of who you truly are, building up what has been lost or diminished so you can regain your peace, joy, and harmony!
1) Signs of Lacking Purpose:
If you can relate to most or all of what’s been said so far, then now is the time to acknowledge that you’re struggling with a lack of self-worth and esteem. If friends, co-workers, or family have asked you if you’re ok, or if something’s wrong it may indicate there IS something wrong. You may have thought you were hiding it well, and subconsciously maybe you were crying out for help. Either way, take a deep breath and get ready to come face to face with…YOU! The imprisoned, oppressed, exasperated you who’s longing to break free. Below are a few telltale signs that you’re not your authentic self right now:
You have a lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities, so you avoid engaging in activities or certain social circles.
You’ve lost interest in favorite pastimes and passions. You have no opinion and are apathetic.
You compare yourself to others, which highlights your insecurity and you have an increased dependency on other people.
You’ve stopped caring about your appearance, wellbeing, and your emotional state lacks stability.
You’re uncomfortable being yourself and are overly self-critical.
Living with this kind of negative self-image leaves us despairing and feeling stuck. Despair is the sister to hopelessness. Hopelessness and despair result in depression, apathy and in some cases angry outbursts or dissociation. Getting to the source of these feelings is a different matter, but for now, let’s concentrate on one main truth. There is always hope! Hope sustains, motivates, elevates thinking and sparks anticipation. Despair lies to us, saying there is no use trying because the problems or issues are unsurmountable.
We do not diminish the pain or ignore it, instead, we stare it down, applying hope like a salve, expecting a change and favorable outcome. This may take time, but hope will not be lost, even if you temporarily feel like it has.
Sustain me, my God, according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed. (Psalm 119:116 NIV)
2) Take A Look In The Mirror:
I was a master of self-sabotage and beating myself up for not only my mistakes and trials, but I would bear the burdens of other people as well. Carrying that kind of baggage wears us out and feeds despair. We were never meant to carry the weight of the world! God sees you as his precious creation and priceless child. He knitted you together in your mother’s womb and he sacrificed his son for your salvation and eternity. A diminished self-image distorts our vision of ourselves.
Who do YOU see in the mirror?
If you’ve made wrong choices that resulted in unfavorable circumstances, or you have painful regrets:
Forgive yourself and shake off any shame. Ask God for forgiveness and make up your mind to move on.
Start making choices that have better outcomes and avoid falling into the same pits or repeating the same mistakes. This will immediately lift your spirits and build confidence.
Be more cautious and prayerful about your decisions. Don’t be duped, but don’t miss out on favorable opportunities that come your way!
No matter how many times you stumble, repeat the above steps and eventually you can overcome habits, addictions, and break unhealthy cycles and relationships with the Lord’s help. This will increase your self-esteem and confidence!
If your problem stems from having been a victim of an offense or injustice, the plot thickens because painful memories can trigger setbacks in progress, but I will give you the tools to overcome that as well. Forgiving others is very difficult, and our human nature screams for revenge, but vengeance is the Lord’s. Forgiving does not mean you have to have contact or reconcile with the person, but letting go allows you to operate in His Grace.
I suggest the following to help you find peace by giving it to God:
Call upon the divine power of the Holy Spirit to help you, remembering that Jesus died for our forgiveness and said in return, we need to forgive those who’ve wronged us.
Let go of bitterness and don’t harbor hatred; it’s a poison that kills us, not the offender.
Be an overcomer. Your best revenge is to not let the offense deter you from your true calling and purpose.
In my poem, In His Image, there’s a line that talks about how God sees us. We may be looking in the mirror seeing ourselves as unworthy, a failure or a mess, but when He looks at his believing children he sees Jesus, who covered our sins and failures to give us fresh grace every day.
For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. (Romans 8:29 NIV)
3) Change Your Mindset:
Do you hear yourself? Are you playing the same mental tapes over and over that speak of defeat, limitation, loss, and doubt? How we process, store, and react to everyday interactions, challenges and opportunities are directly linked to our upbringing, learned behavior, and culture, as I outlined in the intro. Indeed, we might be predisposed to feelings of insecurity, inferiority, and unworthiness, but to change those mindsets you must challenge what you have come to know and believe about yourself, God, and others.
Let’s start with what you think or believe about yourself. Do you believe God made you for a special purpose that only you could fulfill? How about God. Do you see him as an angry task master that expects perfection and punishes you for mistakes, or do you see him as your loving heavenly father? What about other people? Do you look in envy or pass judgement on them, resenting their achievements and position in life, so you avoid them?
The good news is that you can change your mind! Changes that will help you accept new beliefs about who you are and what you can achieve; about God, and how much he loves you, and reprogram your thoughts to have more positive relationships with other people almost immediately. Training is not fun initially, but the results are worth it. Start implementing the following:
Swap out thoughts of “I can’t, I don’t know, it’s too hard”, for aspiring thoughts of, “I’ll try, I can learn, and I’ll ask for help”. You’re not expected to be perfect, but you will benefit if you exercise self-control in areas of weakness.
Stop mumbling and complaining about problems. See them as challenges to overcome and meet them head on. This pleases God, and there is nothing he cannot handle.
Set realistic and achievable goals; short term and long term. Stay positive, not swayed by your emotions, but motivated by your momentum and achievements.
Know that you are God’s chosen and dearly loved child. Face your fears with trust in His protection. He wants to prosper you and bless your future. Spend time with him daily.
Use your time and talents to bless people in your circle of influence, even if they’re not your favorite. Be generous, speak kindly, be helpful and thankful. Goodwill goes a long way.
Practice makes perfect and this applies to changing your mindset. Renew your mind daily with scripture and limit exposure to media that could trigger old thought patterns and cause insecurity.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV)
4) Personal Boundaries:
One common denominator among those who have lost themselves is that they have an oppressor or antagonist in their lives that hinders the ability to be themselves or feel comfortable and safe. This contact could be a friend, family member, co-worker, or other acquaintance such as a neighbor. When there are no established boundaries; implied, spoken or otherwise agreed upon, the door is left open to misunderstandings, miscommunications, and for being taken advantage of by someone.
People cross boundaries all the time. Some are clueless that their words and actions are causing distress, others may have an addiction or habit that infringes on our wellbeing, other times, there is intent to intimidate, control, or cause emotional stress. Boundaries are important in each case, and the magnitude of each will vary to the degree of distress they are causing. We will look at some of the top reasons a person will shrink back, not assert themselves, or otherwise disengage. Below are some instances that should alert you to these serious red flags:
Emotionally-If someone in your life is seeking to control, extort, or intimidate you, and you feel powerless to speak, or stand up for yourself.
Physically-If you have verbal disputes that result in violence or threats to harm you or a family member.
Sexually-If someone pressures you or a family member to do something sexual or inappropriate that is against your will or against the law.
Financially-If someone’s overspending is jeopardizing your financial stability, or is bribing, stealing, or demanding money from you.
Spiritually-If you are being harassed, oppressed, or bullied by someone regarding your faith and practice of it.
It might be difficult to set boundaries at first. Sometimes a drastic change is necessary to achieve peace of mind, such as separation, relocation, or parting of ways between friends. Distancing yourself from certain people or simply avoiding contact can alleviate the problem. As you gain strength, you will get better about establishing boundaries in all areas of your life, but if after reading the above, you acknowledge that you could be in danger, I encourage you to seek help immediately from a trusted source or agency.
Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. 11 You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned. (Titus 3:10-11 NIV)
5) Your Unique Deposit:
There’s no one like you. You have been shaped from infancy by external experiences and human interaction, but you are also a spirit being, connected to the Father for an express purpose that you may have not yet discovered. You add something to life that no one else can duplicate. I call that your unique deposit. Some people are called to make very large deposits and have massive influence or fame. Not all of them fully succeed in stewarding it very well and end up in very common circumstances or disgrace. Finding out why you exist, what your significance is, and what God’s purpose is for you is a monumental step in finding your true self. Most importantly, seek the wisdom and the will of God first in all things and he will give you the desires of your heart. Be prepared to start with baby steps to prevent big stumbles early on. When you find your stride and your lane, you will truly thrive. Below are five facets to consider that will help you begin:
What moves YOU? Think about what stirs your soul and sparks your energy. This is usually an area you’re extremely interested in and good at. Perhaps a God given talent.
What are your areas of expertise or vast experience? Consider writing a book or teaching a class at church or the local college. A hobby you’ve had on the back burner could be a side hustle to bring you joy and fund your purpose.
Don’t go it alone! Get connected in your community, church and neighborhood with people that have similar interests. Try something new but remember to set healthy boundaries!
Where can you add value to other people’s lives, especially the less fortunate. Volunteer if you have the time; if not, be generous with financial support to well deserving programs.
Be flexible with your goals and aspirations. Not everything pans out all the time, and you may have some missteps, but the Lord is with you all the way. Don’t be ashamed and don’t stop becoming your best self.
The lost and found of the self is a serious and meaningful quest that I don’t take lightly. It took me years to slog through the layers of self; some on the surface, some buried deep, but it was my faith, training, and the Lord’s grace that got to this point.
Don’t let another day go by your lost you. Reach out for a free 30-minute consultation so we can chat to see if we’re a good fit to work together to get you back to your real self.
Poet, Coach, Speaker, Author |
#lifecoach,#relationships,#purpose,#Self-discovery,#Depression
I help women and their families struggling with personal issues, past trauma, and difficult relationships achieve transformation and victory like I did. Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21 NIV)
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